I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
