There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize