She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
