...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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