So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
