All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Pants are for mortals
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
