bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Acid is not a monday night drug
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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