He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
