do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
