Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
