I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
