You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
