There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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