HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
