If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
