I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm eating all of the evidence.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
