Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
