We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
