You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
