im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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