You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
