she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
