The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
