i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
