last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
