My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
