what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
