I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
