I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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