I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
