first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I came so hard my ears popped.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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