guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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