4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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