She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
