youre lurking in front of me
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
