thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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