I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
As shirtless as possible
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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