Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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