Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
