I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
