He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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