She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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