I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
