Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
