i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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