Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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