barbara walters just said penis...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
