That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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