saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
