I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
