I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
