why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
