why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
