Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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