i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
