He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
