she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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